The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
