My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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