JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
