i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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