Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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