I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
