Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
