I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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