I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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