You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
