i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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