Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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