Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
