I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
