You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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