i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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