Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
