I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
