you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
