He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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