Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
