I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
