as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
