I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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