The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
