dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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