Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
