I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
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Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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