I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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