Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
two words: eviction party
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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