no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
