Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
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you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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