I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize