Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
