I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
