I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
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I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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