Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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