someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
