I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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