The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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