someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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