I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
