just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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