Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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