before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
