Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
