I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
