Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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