Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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