My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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