Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
