I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
