if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You need Xanax blowdarts
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
