The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
